An Unexpected Gift

My mom is my best friend. We share nearly everything: laughs, smiles, stories, ups and downs. She is a wise woman and I owe my identity to her.

These things have always been well known to me, but it didn't dawn on me until today just  how similar we truly are...

One thing I've always kept private is my passion for poetry. She knows I loved writing as a kid, but over the years I've struggled to maintain my voice. Chalk it up to focusing on work, being distracted by fun, and fear of putting myself out there.

Today on Christmas, I decided to reveal that unknown side of myself to my parents. I showed them some of my work as well as this very blog.

My mom listened intently, teared up with pride, and showered me with compliments. I was expecting that. :) But what she did next was a total surprise.  She got up and went to a kitchen drawer. She pulled out a private journal...and to my utter disbelief.... she read me HER poetry.

Beautiful, rhythmic, hidden lines I never even knew existed. Handwritten in a floral journal, marked up and dog eared from re-reads and revisions. All these years I have been struggling to nail down my style in a vacuum, scared to share it with anyone. And while I felt alone with my inspiration, the answer to my struggles was in front of me all along: in my loving mom, in my very own genes, in my family history. Ironically, it was intimate for the both of us and we been sharing in the same experience unknowingly for many years.

For those of you who understand Spanish, here is a special treat - Elvira Abate's first ever written poem with my translation below. I hope you are as inspired to follow your dreams as I am, and equally as  inspired to share those pursuits with your family. Family is really where the heart is.

Merry Christmas from the Abate Family.

Mi Tristeza 

 De esta vida
Al fin he podido rescatar
a mi alma dormida que
no queria despertar.

Despues de su letargo
ha podido comprobar que
tambien las amapolas
se cansan de esperar.

Que los perros lloran
cuando estan dormidos
y le duele el hambre
que tienen muchos ninos.

Me ha dicho que las
tumbas necesitan flores
?o a caso no vivieron  con lagrimas y amores?
o a caso no se fueron con lagrimas y honores.

De unas ella escucha
clamores de perdon
de seres que perdieron
su vida en el error.

De otros que vinieron
en total indiferencia
ahora es el silencio
su mas cruel penitencia.

---- Translation (which of course loses the rhythm and flow)----

My Sadness 

From my soul
finally I can rescue
my sleeping soul
that didn't want to wake.

After the lethargy
I finally realize
that even the poppies
get tired of waiting.

I now see that dogs cry while sleeping,
and it hurts that children go to bed hungry.

My soul is telling me
that the graves need flowers.
Perhaps they didn't come with tears and love.
Or perhaps they didn't leave with tears and honor.

For some of them I hear
cries for forgiveness
for souls that lost their lives in mistake.

For others that lived
in total indifference
now its the silence
which is the most cruel punishment.

NOW is the Time

The year end holidays are the most opportune time to express our love. What better moment than this to dig deep and pick up the phone?

It might be hard - people are busy, it might be awkward, we might not know what to say.

But in the grand scheme of things, those little doubts, fears and worries are insignificant.  I recently received tragic news from my best friend. Her little niece passed away without warning. When I heard, I was numb from shock. No words can express the pain or grief. And instead of answers, we are just left with questions.

 Death is life's most sobering lesson. My mind keeps going back to a song by The Flaming Lips called "Do You Realize?" Give it a listen and you'll hear the lyrics:

"Do you realize - that everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes
let them know that life goes fast
it's hard to make the good times last.
You realize the sun doesn't go down
it's an illusion caused by the world spinning round."

I'm not trying to put a damper on the cheery holiday season, but I need to put things into perspective. During the  holidays, we owe it to ourselves and to each other to cherish these moments with every fiber within our beings.

 In memory of my friend's niece, our little angel, let's honor life through love.

Whoever we spend these holidays with - make it count. The same goes for anyone spending the holidays "alone" - you are not alone, you are with yourself. And you, yourself, should be equally as cherished.

 NOW is the time to say "I love you." Let's open our hearts and find the love and then verbalize it. Let's say it to our families, our friends, to ourselves in the mirror. Let's say it to whoever we can. While we can.

Catching life's curve balls

Let me share my greatest lesson from 2011: The joy of catching life's curve balls. With life's ups and downs, sometimes not getting what we want is a wonderful stroke of luck. 

There is a Chinese proverb 塞翁失馬 about a man who lost his horse (bad news), but then the horse returned with another beautiful horse (good news). Sadly, his son fell off the new horse and broke his leg (bad news) and couldn't get recruited into the army because of his injury (more bad news). During his recovery time, war broke out and most of the soldiers died in the war (horrific news), however since his son was safe at home with a broken leg he maintained his life (a blessing!). 

The moral of the story is there is no such thing as good news or bad news, just the ebb and flow of life. 

When misfortune strikes, I know first hand how easy it is to get caught up in a web of disappointment, frustration, and sadness. But I've learned a very important 4-letter word: next. As in, "This job ended? NEXT!" or "This relationship ended? NEXT!"

Change is constant. Everything has a life cycle–birth, existence, and death. When it comes time to let go of something or someone you cherish, there's no getting around the pain. But people who are loving, optimistic, and grateful will always rise above. They have the strength to seize the opportunity and catch that wild curve ball.

In honor of 塞翁失馬, I dug up a picture from Halloween 2006 a week after I moved to Seattle. I had never been to Seattle, but the move was encouraged by my wonderful friend Lauren who promised I would love it.  That Halloween, I was a Cowgirl to honor my hometown San Antonio, Texas, and Lauren dressed as my noble steed. 5 years later after going through both good times and bad, I am exactly where I need to be.  Which proves you never know what gifts your horse may bring. 

Deconstructing Fear

What makes the hair on the back of your neck stand on end? Or your palms sweat? Gives you nightmares? Everyone's at least a little scared of something whether its heights, snakes, the dentist, or your Aunt Mildred's kisses.

From a scientific standpoint and contrary to public opinion, fear isn't just driven by raw emotion. It's an evolutionary response aimed at avoiding danger. You've probably heard the phrase “fight or flight” for the choice we all face: stand or run. But in reality, we don't just have an “either or” decision. When facing something unpleasant, we can also choose to understand. For me personally, I've learned that by understanding my fears, I'm in essence better understanding myself. But first the back story...

It starts with an irrational phobia of drowning. Which is completely silly becase I swam at the neighborhood pool every summer growing up. With each passing year, I somehow convinced myself that the neighboorhood pool is the only safe place to swim, and that my upper body strength couldn't handle other natural bodies of water like oceans, lakes or rivers. Currents meant surefire death.

Here I am clinging to life with 2 floaties and a life jacket. 

Finally after about 15 years, it was time to prove myself right or wrong. I enrolled in swimming classes and decided to conquer Lake Crescent.

The result: pride. Confidence. Amusement at how silly my fear was. It was only when I embraced the risk of drowning that I realized my only true fear was...me. I was the one holding myself back with insecurity and shame. Only I had the power to change; only I could end the torment.

We all share very diverse and complicated fears. Overcoming them may not be nearly as simple as in my example, but an attempt to at least understand can mean progress and healing. But where to start? Deconstructing fear means unburying it, which takes energy, hard work, and pain. Only you can decide whether it's worth it, and only you can figure out the process.

In my case, I'm taking baby steps. Swimming was my first deliberate hurdle. Now that I've tested the waters, it's time to apply my learning onward to more complex fears. In the school of Me, I happily graduate to the next level.  

If today were the first and last day of your life...

Celebrate Thanksgiving by watching this beautiful TED talk from Louie Schwartzberg.

There's an inspiring quote I'll be mulling over as I share a delicious meal with friends, "If you learn to respond as if it were the first day in your life and the very last day, then you will have spent this day very well."

A Postcard from the Crossroads

Doubt is good. It makes us step back and re-evaluate. It forces a pause so we either move forward with confidence or take a detour.

Thanks to doubt, I am now at my own personal fork in the road. Almost like clockwork, it marks my fifth year in Seattle and is a couple years shy of turning thirty. So I'm taking time out to figure out what my next move will be. Should I stay or should I go? Tough to answer because my late twenties has brought renewed perspective. 


It's odd...young adulthood can be liberating or stressful. We're free to do as we please, yet under societal pressure to establish the rest of our lives: find someone to love, start a career, buy a home, have kids.

I'm focusing on my career and postponing "settling down" for as long as I can (to my parent's disappointment), but I wonder...When did you realize you were no longer an adolescent but a full-fledged adult? I don't think having a family or buying a house has anything to do with it. It has more to do with when you realize that time is finite. Teenagers think they're immortal; adults want to make every moment count.

It's funny how tradition dictates we celebrate Sweet 16 or Quinceañera when the age 30 shift is waaaay more a coming of age. It's when we ask, “What have I done so far in my life? Where do I go from here? Is this the right direction? Am I being authentic to myself?”

Thankfully age is just a number. People have and will continue to shift careers, find true love, or establish families at any age, even late in life. But it takes courage to reassess your life and change direction along the way.

I cherish the privilege to set my own course and while I can't predict where it may lead, I am inspired to travel it. And above all, I look forward to affirming that path (or changing it) at the crossroads.

Can Irrational Love be Rationalized?

Sometimes, love doesn’t make any sense.

Have you ever fallen in love so deeply that common sense flew out the window?  Were you able to tame your emotions? Or restrain your actions?

 

Based on personal experience, giving into whim and riding the whirlwind can be fun. But now after all the heartache I’ve found or caused, I’ve finally learned how to love intentionally. I don’t mean forcing love... the most rewarding love can cross our paths when we least expect it. I’m talking about being intentional about who you commit to. And deliberately sustaining that love with conscious choice. 

   

There’s a passage from a Psychology Today article that’s been burned into my memory:

"Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. [But] evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others."

So true. We face difficult choices every day—and decisions of the heart are often clouded by emotion. Why is it that we spend so much time thinking about careers or investments, but then settle with the first person that meets the bare minimum requirements? For me love is less about  serendipity than it is about exploring my own cognitive, emotional, and physical needs. Only when I fully knew myself was I finally able to navigate a crowd and wisely pick the person who is—not perfect—but perfect for me.

And I’m learning that when the dynamic between two people syncs up, it makes sustaining that love easier and worthwhile. It took a pause and a series of continual pauses—a pause to discern the right person from the wrong, and continued pauses to choose the right behaviors over the detrimental. It may require more effort in the interim, but can make all the difference between a life of happiness and a life of misery.

Love is a mystery. It can’t be explained, and I wouldn’t dare try. All I know is there will be a day when my life comes to an end and I want to have loved my partner as passionately as possible. As The Head and the Heart touchingly put it, “Just wanna die with the one I love beside me.” 

Keeping it Real

I have selfish reasons for wanting you to be satisfied with the life you're living. It’s my belief system that the world is a better place when its inhabitants are content and fulfilled. Especially because we all affect this world and the people in it: our ideas spread like wildfire and our actions affect the ecosystem. I think the old adage, “To each his own” should be tweaked to “To each his own  and then some.”  

We play two roles, first as individuals and second as a part of the collective. I think it’s important to balance both perspectives and find harmony between the two. So in other words, determine our own paths as individuals with regard to how we impact the rest of the world. I think it starts with figuring out what “life satisfaction” means, and then figuring out the way to live a fulfilled life while making the rest of the world happy too.

Here’s a living breathing example. Klauus Thymann is a photographer who keeps it real—no digital retouching, no photo shopping. He says: “I’m a fashion photographer, but I won’t photograph girls who are too skinny or who look too young. You have to recognize you’re part of an opinion-making machine.”

I love this for more than a few reasons:

1.       He’s being conscientious about his values and refuses to sellout in order to make it big in the fashion industry. He’s taking a risk, but to him it’s a risk worth taking.

2.       He inspires me and others to re-think current views on beauty and the unhealthy state of the “opinion-making machine.” It is not okay to pressure models into anorexia, and look down upon normal sized women. Opinion-making machines are created, and can also be destroyed.

So who determines the status quo anyway? The most common way isn’t necessarily the right way, but it  starts with each of us. If we can all push ourselves to find win/win situations—ways to make yourself happy and people across the planet happy as well—then you have beaten the zero-sum game. You can be confident in yourself, your values, and your decisions regardless of the critics. 

Self reflection

Americans are busy. We’re busy because of our over-scheduled, hyper-networked lives. We’re under constant pressure to get things done and waging a constant war with ADD.

Tell me, what’s difference between being busy and being burned out?

I’m slowly learning that when I neglect what’s brewing inside, everything outside suffers. I’m not just talking about my productivity, but the stuff that really matters—like relationships, self-confidence and health.

Do we ever take the time to look in the mirror and ask ourselves, “What the hell are my values, what are my emotional, material and intellectual needs?”  I’m talking about dropping the charade and looking past what we’ve been conditioned to believe. I’m talking about a good reckoning with the self.  

For many of us, this is easier said than done. And then when I think I've got it all figured out, I have to work hard to remind myself. 


There are so many distractions...I find it hard to focus on what I call my values (other may call it the spirit, the qi, the self). Call it whatever you want, but if we don't acknowledge it and explore it, we won't live our lives as fully as possible.

Our belief systems and our thoughts ultimately dictate our actions, priorities and how we live our lives. So if we suppress our thoughts or emotions (or even worse never figure out our belief systems in the first place) then what kind of life can we lead? Or should I say…whose life are we leading?

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.”  - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Combat the Seattle Freeze with Vulnerability and Love

On the heels of Valentine’s Day, let’s celebrate love by watching this TEDx talk about vulnerability and human connection.  Basically, we gotta take risks and put ourselves out there if we want to get something back.

This principle applies to all aspirations—whether it’s deeper relationships, work success, or other personal goals—we need to overcome the negative voices in our heads and just go after it.

This all makes me think about the "Seattle Freeze." A term coined because Seattleites are supposedly superficially nice, but unwilling to make authentic connections. It impacts making friends and dating and is often blamed on seasonal affective disorder (SAD), the tech industry’s nerdy tendencies, and/or the Northwest’s cultural roots.

I’m not sure if the Seattle Freeze exists....(aren't people like that in any major city?) Those who buy into the Seattle Freeze are making the assumption that people are cold and I wonder about the placebo effect. If we approach people a predetermined mindset, are we signing off on our own destiny?

Being lonely is a natural human condition. When I moved to Seattle, I felt lonely. I spent the time I needed feeling sorry for myself and shed a few tears, but then I put together an action list. I outlined what kind of friends I hoped for, what kind of friend I wanted to be, and put together a plan to bridge my expectations to reality. And sure enough, it paid off.

Here’s how I continue to combat the Seattle Freeze:

1. Breaking the ice goes a long way. The awkwardness only exists in our heads. I'm usually the first to open up the conversation, and people usually reciprocate. And if not, they aren’t worth the time.
2. We have an unconscious bias to surround ourselves with people like us, but that limits opportunities. I talk to everyone, especially those who seem different because those friendships are often the most rewarding.
3. I smile when seeing people I recognize and am honest. Even though I'm forgetful, I always get a positive reaction when I say, “I know you, forgive me, but please remind me what your name is."

Yes, being loved means being vulnerable, but we’re all in the same boat so it's okay. The risks are worth it.

Maybe Math Ain't So Bad After All

Learning is not so much about obtaining new facts, but rather discovering new ways of thinking, or pushing yourself beyond what you already know.  

When lived in Taipei and studied Mandarin Chinese intensively, I never felt so mentally sharp and on. I guess my brain was working overtime being immersed and that forced me to adapt…quickly.  

Fast forward to now. I’m looking for a new way to stretch my mind. Instead of learning something new entirely, I’m toying with a different idea: push my math limits.

Yep, I’ve never been a math girl; I’m more of the creative type. I was just never motivated as a kid—it just always seemed so boring and unforgiving. I couldn’t stand the fact that you’re either right or wrong and that’s it.

But I’m starting to change my mind about math because of its role in physics. I love how scientists discovered planets similar to Earth by using a telescope and math (the radial velocity technique where they figure out the size and mass of a planet by alterations to its orbit due to gravity).

Math’s evolution is poetic. It took generations to build a foundation and then expand from there—and according to this Radio Lab, math is not innate. Someone first invented counting, and then someone else found negative numbers, and then came fractions, imaginary and irrational numbers and more. As society and our thinking evolved, so did mathematical patterns.  

Fast forward to now. We’re at the point of turning our heads toward space and finding new uses for math.  It’s all about pushing the boundaries of what we know, and looking at challenges with optimism. And that’s not boring at all.

So it’s hard to hate math like I used to. A little optimism and a good eraser make all the difference. 

our big (and small) space

We’re creatures of habit, consumed by routine, heads down until there’s a reason to look up. But just look up at the night sky. There’s nothing quite like it to put things into perspective and make a person feel very insignificant.

I’m currently addicted to space documentaries. I’m amazed by the scientists who try to figure out how this whole mystery works. Humans have an amazing gift—the curiosity and capability to learn about our world and our place in it.

Ironically the more we know, the more we realize we don’t know. And the few answers we have only lead to more questions. Black holes? Dark matter? Multiverses? Do we have an infinite number of selves repeating actions endlessly through time or hovering millimeters invisibly away?

It’s like we’re small children observing the nursery, making assumptions based on our limited perspective and discovering the unexpected. Obviously our quest for knowledge won’t be over anytime soon.

When it comes down to it, we are at least the center of our own universe. I guess we’re both—small and big at the same time—small in the context of the universe, but big in the story of our lives. And thus we transcend any notion about time and space.

So size doesn’t really matter now, does it? It’s just a matter of perspective. 

An Attitude of Gratitude

Amazingly, surgeons replaced a woman’s larynx allowing her to independently speak, breathe and smell after more than a decade. Her gratitude in the story inspired me. She said, "It's just been a really, really unbelievable experience smelling freshly cut grass. The air, breathing the air. Taking your garbage out—that's a real good smell."

I can totally relate. Back in July I had a painful eye injury that left me blind for 2 weeks. The ordeal made me realize: 

• How I had taken my vision (and my whole health) for granted
• The amazing capabilities of the human body
• That medical science is the bomb
• My friends  and family are amazing, and how dependent I am upon their love and support
• That it's not the end of the world if I were to lose my vision. Sure, I would have to re-learn how to live and function, but I could and would readjust. 

Talk about a reset—any other little worries or anxieties I had before the accident instantly disappeared with new context. And even now just being able to see the words I write at this very moment overwhelms me. It’s amazing to stop taking things for granted.

All of this reminds me of another article on how time speeds up as we get older for the very same reason—we start taking things for granted. As a kid, when things happen for the first time, they are new and novel and we pause to soak in the magnificence. As desensitized adults, we allow things to start passing us by.

My favorite philosopher Krishnamurti touches on this topic very nicely in one of his speeches. He said, “Awaken all your senses to their highest degree so that you look at the world with all your senses… Man has become dull through repetition, through tradition, through the oppression…You have gradually lost all sensitivity, all energy to create…[To have] the drive, the beauty, one must have great sensitivity. You cannot have great sensitivity if every sense is not fully functioning, fully aware.”

So just how would waking all of your senses affect you? How would looking at everything around you with renewed appreciation change your life? For me, I’ve found a lot of benefit in re-evaluating my world…and it’s simply added perspective that brings positivity and energy.  

The challenge is just how to stop taking the things for granted. When I asked myself how can I personally become fully conscious, I remembered that song lyric, “You don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.” So for those of you blessed with the following, here’s an exercise to help cultivate an attitude of gratitude.

• Vision: What would your life be like without eyes? Who would you miss seeing among your family or friends? What visual treats—art, sunsets, movies, puppies, would you miss most?
• Speech: What if you couldn't say "I love you?"
• Smell: What smells of people, food, or nature would you yearn for?
• Hearing: What sounds/music/voices would you miss most?
• Mobility: How would not having hands or legs affect you?

And remember that if any of these things were to happen, your life wouldn’t be over, you would be reborn. You would view the world with new perspective.

Planning for a Rainy Day

I heard a story on the radio today. To summarize for you:

After two miscarriages and a severely complicated pregnancy that ended in abortion, a woman gave up.  It was a devastating experience to share with her husband.  One minute filled with hope as a mother-to-be, the next…overwhelmed with empty grief. And she couldn’t take it anymore. So she and her husband decided to accept life sans children.

With time, they began to focus on their new life as a childless couple—going to happy hours, hosting dinner parties, planning exotic vacations.

And then totally unplanned (even on the pill)…she got pregnant.

You’d think she’d be happy, right? No. She was angry.

She went to a therapist to dissect the anger and said, “I’m upset because this pregnancy wasn’t in the plan.”

To which her therapist replied, “What are plans really, but figments of our imagination? People make plans to give themselves the illusion that they can control the unknown. But each moment unravels regardless of your plans.”

This made her think of her past plans. All the past plans that she had made for her deceased children never came to fruition and she couldn’t handle it. It was hard to let go. In the end, she did give birth and before I turned off the radio she said, “Loss makes you appreciate what you have.”

---------------------------------------------------------------

For me, this story perfectly captures pain’s complex power.

People make plans to avoid pain and become happy. I acknowledge that planning is a survival skill that works in my favor—it helps me prepare for the winter or plan for my future.

But can planning also work against me? If I get lost in planning and define my life in terms of milestones, how could I ever truly enjoy the present? There’s got to be balance between planning for success and then letting go of expectations.

Now switch it up.  Say I undergo great loss and am suffering like the woman in the radio segment. The last thing I would ever want to do is fully embrace the moment. I mean, if the moment is painful who wants to fully absorb that?

But when you deny the moment and the pain, those feelings don’t just go away….they end up manifesting in other areas of your life.  They affect your relationships, your health, your sleep, your well-being.  

Frankly, I became a lot happier the moment I decided to live day by day. Whether that day is peaceful or painful, that doesn’t matter to me because it just IS. And there’s always beauty to be seen.

Go to the corner

Remember when taking timeout used to be a punishment? In third grade, fun resulted in a frown, a demerit, and a lonely corner. 

Now at 28, I revel in a simple timeout. Sometimes after work, I take 10 minutes to sit on a pillow on the floor in my room's corner. It’s a strange form of punishment—to sit there and do nothing. It's almost like I'm back in the third grade. 

But those timeouts make the rest of my day better. My mood better. 

Why?

Sure, there are MANY factors at play... having to do with psychology, neuroscience, philosophy, biology, wellness, consciousness. 

But almost none of the logical explanations really matter to me, because it just IS. 

And thus the inspiration for this blog. I feel extremely lucky because I am uncovering for myself what "living in the moment", "authentic living," "being present" exactly means to me. And I'm realizing the more I make the time—to timeout—the more I feel at peace with myself and my life. 

My friends describe me as an optimist, a happy-go-lucky gal.  My boss Joe once said, "If we could just bottle up whatever is in your brain and sell it, we could be very rich people." I take those as huge compliments.

I just learned the more love I put out, the more love I get back. It's been life changing to have so many amazing, interesting and inspiring people around me in support. So I’m embarking on a journey to learn more about the art of living life. And I want to share it with the people around me—not to support me, but maybe to offer support outward.

Interconnectedness through joie de vivre? Sounds possible to me.