Radical Acceptance

Over the past 6 months, the media machines dominated our psyches with finger pointing and petty drama. And then election day came and went...leaving  behind the bitter sting of rivalry.

Now people (among both parties) are frustrated and feeling all the more divided.

Once in motion, the blame game is hard to unwind.



But our country is still facing plenty of serious systemic issues: job growth, education, environment, public health, and global diplomacy.

Sadly, there isn't a magic wand or fairy godmother to fix it. How will we ever mature enough to swallow our pride and move on for new solutions?

The only cure is a strong dose of radical acceptance.

No, don't worry—I'm not straight up saying accept Barack Obama as president and get over it. My call for acceptance is a call to meet in the middle. It means striking balance. It means transcending political agendas to create new game-changing strategies.

In the ideal scenario, we'd learn from setbacks, survey the situation as it changes, take a different approach if necessary, and evolve. No, this isn't easy. It's complex and can only be done via collaboration (with clear thinking and sans judgement).

And who cares if a solution comes from a democrat, a republican, a 15 year old, or a transient? What matters is: what works and how can we implement it?

Clearly, the world has changed drastically, and the institutions of yester year out of touch. Here's a great article by Maureen Dowd in the NY Times describing just how out of sync our politicians are.

Our bureacratic systems need to hurry to pick up the pace. There's no crystal ball and we're guaranteed to hit bumps along the way. But that's okay because growth hurts.

An example of good government. Seattle Mayor McGinn hosts town halls around the community (including the poorest) to learn about issues affecting the people. And actually does something about it.  

Our definition of radical acceptance should be to give the basic respect for other points of view, and not dismiss them simply because they go against the grain. We need to recognize that there are issues we will never agree on, but we each have a right to autonomy and the right to an opinion (but not all opinions are smart opinions).

On this fundamental foundation of respect, we can bring down walls to bring out the best in each other.  And by doing that, then we can discover the third way which isn't my way  or your way... it's the BEST way.

Even with our differences, we're still one huge dysfunctional family. As my Uncle Jim says, “You can pick your nose, but you can't pick your relatives.” Well, at least we can agree on that!

Traces Left Behind / Finding the Right Track

A happy "little" at Big Brothers Big Sisters' annual picnic

We pass down so much more to our children than just genetic makeup like eye or hair color. We also pass on habits, modes of being, and even ways of viewing the world.

The term “transgenerational inheritance” means we literally pass on our burdens biologically. Studies show that a trauma survivor (like a Holocaust survivor for example) has a greater probability of passing on a gene mutation that inhibits serotonin production. Serotonin is a hormone popularly associated with happiness, and an imbalance could lead to depression. It may be hard to believe, but even symptoms of PTSD are inheritable.

Children are so impressionable. Character traits are inheritable too. Ever notice how children are sponges to glances, gestures, and words? They most likely don't understand the complex reasons behind it, but they still mimic the behavior because it's the status quo.

Volunteering with Big Brothers BigSisters has opened my eyes to the impact adults have on children. There's a little boy in the program whose father was incarcerated. Before joining Big Brothers Big Sisters, Adam thought he was destined for the same fate. Like father, like son, so to speak. But after bonding with a positive mentor in the program, Adam now has a new lease on life! His Big Brother showed him that he is in command of charting his own destiny. And Adam wants to repay the favor by becoming a big brother too one day.

Children in Big Brothers Big Sisters were at one time labeled by the school system as “at-risk.” Were they inherently destined for failure? Not at all. They just needed a helping hand.

It takes a lot of strength to build resilience. I guess after a lot of doors closing shut, it's hard to believe that there's an open door waiting somewhere. In order to muster up the courage needed to find it, you have to first realize that it even exists.

Natural philosopher Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said,

"Treat people as if they were

what they ought to be

and you help them to become

what they are capable of being."

In other words, never lower your expectations of people. That's why I'm dedicated to holding myself and our society to a higher standard. In order for our society to advance in a positive direction, we need to ask tough questions: How to break the cycle of poverty? How to end abuse? How to empower at-risk children? Is it possible to decrease the amount of suffering in the world?

Many people blow these questions off. They think they aren't worth asking because the answers are impossible. But I bet no one in the 17^th century ever thought it would be possible to go to the moon.

One of my favorite songs is John Lennon's Imagine:

“Imagine there's no heaven

It's easy if you try

No hell below us

Above us only sky

Imagine all the people living for today

Imagine there's no countries

It isn't hard to do

Nothing to kill or die for

And no religion too

Imagine all the people living life in peace

You, you may say

I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one

I hope some day you'll join us

And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions

I wonder if you can

No need for greed or hunger

A brotherhood of man

Imagine all the people sharing all the world

You, you may say

I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one

I hope some day you'll join us

And the world will live as one”

In this song, Lennon reveals an ultimate truth: the first step toward greatness is first imagining that greatness is possible. I can see a future world where we encourage sharing, giving, and cooperation. I can feel a world where every child is taught to believe in themselves.

I started this blog talking about inheriting pain, but I'll end it by trying to pass on a little beauty. A better way is possible. It starts with each of us. When we hold ourselves and each other to a higher standard, we give a great gift to the next generation.

When faced with a choice, always choose love. Choose to inherit love, and choose to pass it on.

Why People Act the Way They Do

me: Why do you dress up as a scary clown? him: Why do you find me scary?

We're all guilty of it...At some point or another, we've questioned/analyzed/scrutinized someone else's behavior. Probably because that person's behavior seemed (at the time), well...totally irrational.

So we ask ourselves, "What were they thinking?" or “Why did they do that?" or "How could they have done that?"

The reality is...we'll never reeeally know, because those questions are unanswerable. How could we possibly ever understand another human's motivations when so few of us even understand our own?

To even begin to scratch the surface, there are so many factors at play:

• Upbringing
• Handling change 
• Conflict resolution
• Cultural background 
• Neurons firing (or misfiring) 
• Levels of advertising/media consumption 

To make things even more complicated, there are pieces of our identities that lie deep within, maybe even hidden away from the conscious self.

Someone recently told me a good example of how this plays out. He said, “If you ask me why I bought a Mercedes Benz, I won't say it's because my ego demanded it. I won't say it because I'm probably not even aware that my ego is driving me. The logical part of my brain will step in and make me buy a used one, and that will make me feel better about the decision and distract me.”

There's also the rich tapestry of personal experience, from which springs varying interpretations of reality.  It all comes down to that fact that human experience greatly differs from person to person.

Man, are we complicated! Fully figuring each other out doesn't seem possible anytime soon (unless we learn the Vulcan Mind Meld).

But depsite all of these intricate innerworkings, what blows my mind most is how well humans get along.

We live in cities and work in corporations. We communicate, live in harmony, and create masterpieces. Humans come together for mastery and fulfillment. It seems like achieving harmonic balance in relationships enables people to do more, whereas misalignment holds us back.

I guess, in the end, we don't really need answers to those unanswerable “why” questions, because that's just the way things are. What's more important is valuing healthy relationships and working toward healthier interactions between people.

That's the sweet spot because that's where inspiration lives.

Lessons from Our Grandparents

Recently for the first time, I saw records documenting my great grandfather's emmigration from Italy.

A million questions sprang forth: What was he like? How did he feel?

Was he outgoing and funny?

Ecccentric? Or dark and brooding?

I can picture him setting off to sea, eager for a fresh start. In my mind's eye, I see him landing in his new world and trying hard to fit in.

Eventually came his daughter, my grandmother, on the left.

This picture is—of course—worth a thousand words. But I'm more intrigued by the words that were never said.

What was she thinking at this very moment?

What was her inner world like?

Who was her friend? How did they influence each other?

And were they open to desire?

Did their society present opportunities and hope...or constraints and limitations?

My grandmother recently passed away, so she can't answer these questions now. But at the very least (in an effort to better understand the situation) I can try to re-trace her steps.

....

History is the link from her past to my present. Her generation faced the aftermath of WW1 and the great depression. A failed economy, mass migration, extensive unemployment, and increased poverty. Gloom that spread across the globe.

And I can only imagine how much more difficult it may have been for first and second generation immigrants...

...

That was a much different time. Society has changed... and the rules of the game have changed as well.

Our world is an entirely different world to make sense of. It's kinda hard to “follow in their footsteps” or “walk a mile in their shoes” when that road has long been paved into a highway. 

Think about it... today, there are more than one billion internet users. The internet represents choice and possibility.

It reminds me of the printing press from history class. Around 1440, it displaced the old way of doing things—laboriously transcribing texts—and allowed for the mass distribution of knowledge. Sometimes, technology doesn't just make our daily life easier. It also changes the way we communicate, how we obtain knowledge, and deepens our understanding of the world. It changes the fabric of who we are.

By Alte Bilder

With the passing of the older generation, my generation finds itself at an interesting crossroads.

With all that we know now about neuroscience and how influential we are on young minds, we have a moral imperative to leverage this societal shift to promote the good aspects of human nature and minimize the bad.

Sure, in 500 years perhaps anything I do in this life will be long forgotten, but any small impact I had by merely being a good person could leave some faint imprint on future people.

A radio program recently broadcast great words of wisdom from a centenarian. When asked for the most important piece of advice he'd like to pass on, he said:

“Be open to change.

Because it will happen no matter what."

Before the invention of the radio, we would have never dreamed it possible, and when it came out, a lot of people were suspicious of it. Then the same thing happened again with television—it upset a lot of people because they didn't like the direction the world was headed. But eventually people got used to it.

I can still hear his voice say, "If you accept that change is just another inevitable part of life, you'll be better off and much happier.”

 Accepting change frees our minds to promote progress.

What will our generations' legacy be?