Why People Act the Way They Do

me: Why do you dress up as a scary clown? him: Why do you find me scary?

We're all guilty of it...At some point or another, we've questioned/analyzed/scrutinized someone else's behavior. Probably because that person's behavior seemed (at the time), well...totally irrational.

So we ask ourselves, "What were they thinking?" or “Why did they do that?" or "How could they have done that?"

The reality is...we'll never reeeally know, because those questions are unanswerable. How could we possibly ever understand another human's motivations when so few of us even understand our own?

To even begin to scratch the surface, there are so many factors at play:

• Upbringing
• Handling change 
• Conflict resolution
• Cultural background 
• Neurons firing (or misfiring) 
• Levels of advertising/media consumption 

To make things even more complicated, there are pieces of our identities that lie deep within, maybe even hidden away from the conscious self.

Someone recently told me a good example of how this plays out. He said, “If you ask me why I bought a Mercedes Benz, I won't say it's because my ego demanded it. I won't say it because I'm probably not even aware that my ego is driving me. The logical part of my brain will step in and make me buy a used one, and that will make me feel better about the decision and distract me.”

There's also the rich tapestry of personal experience, from which springs varying interpretations of reality.  It all comes down to that fact that human experience greatly differs from person to person.

Man, are we complicated! Fully figuring each other out doesn't seem possible anytime soon (unless we learn the Vulcan Mind Meld).

But depsite all of these intricate innerworkings, what blows my mind most is how well humans get along.

We live in cities and work in corporations. We communicate, live in harmony, and create masterpieces. Humans come together for mastery and fulfillment. It seems like achieving harmonic balance in relationships enables people to do more, whereas misalignment holds us back.

I guess, in the end, we don't really need answers to those unanswerable “why” questions, because that's just the way things are. What's more important is valuing healthy relationships and working toward healthier interactions between people.

That's the sweet spot because that's where inspiration lives.

An Unexpected Gift

My mom is my best friend. We share nearly everything: laughs, smiles, stories, ups and downs. She is a wise woman and I owe my identity to her.

These things have always been well known to me, but it didn't dawn on me until today just  how similar we truly are...

One thing I've always kept private is my passion for poetry. She knows I loved writing as a kid, but over the years I've struggled to maintain my voice. Chalk it up to focusing on work, being distracted by fun, and fear of putting myself out there.

Today on Christmas, I decided to reveal that unknown side of myself to my parents. I showed them some of my work as well as this very blog.

My mom listened intently, teared up with pride, and showered me with compliments. I was expecting that. :) But what she did next was a total surprise.  She got up and went to a kitchen drawer. She pulled out a private journal...and to my utter disbelief.... she read me HER poetry.

Beautiful, rhythmic, hidden lines I never even knew existed. Handwritten in a floral journal, marked up and dog eared from re-reads and revisions. All these years I have been struggling to nail down my style in a vacuum, scared to share it with anyone. And while I felt alone with my inspiration, the answer to my struggles was in front of me all along: in my loving mom, in my very own genes, in my family history. Ironically, it was intimate for the both of us and we been sharing in the same experience unknowingly for many years.

For those of you who understand Spanish, here is a special treat - Elvira Abate's first ever written poem with my translation below. I hope you are as inspired to follow your dreams as I am, and equally as  inspired to share those pursuits with your family. Family is really where the heart is.

Merry Christmas from the Abate Family.

Mi Tristeza 

 De esta vida
Al fin he podido rescatar
a mi alma dormida que
no queria despertar.

Despues de su letargo
ha podido comprobar que
tambien las amapolas
se cansan de esperar.

Que los perros lloran
cuando estan dormidos
y le duele el hambre
que tienen muchos ninos.

Me ha dicho que las
tumbas necesitan flores
?o a caso no vivieron  con lagrimas y amores?
o a caso no se fueron con lagrimas y honores.

De unas ella escucha
clamores de perdon
de seres que perdieron
su vida en el error.

De otros que vinieron
en total indiferencia
ahora es el silencio
su mas cruel penitencia.

---- Translation (which of course loses the rhythm and flow)----

My Sadness 

From my soul
finally I can rescue
my sleeping soul
that didn't want to wake.

After the lethargy
I finally realize
that even the poppies
get tired of waiting.

I now see that dogs cry while sleeping,
and it hurts that children go to bed hungry.

My soul is telling me
that the graves need flowers.
Perhaps they didn't come with tears and love.
Or perhaps they didn't leave with tears and honor.

For some of them I hear
cries for forgiveness
for souls that lost their lives in mistake.

For others that lived
in total indifference
now its the silence
which is the most cruel punishment.

Can Irrational Love be Rationalized?

Sometimes, love doesn’t make any sense.

Have you ever fallen in love so deeply that common sense flew out the window?  Were you able to tame your emotions? Or restrain your actions?

 

Based on personal experience, giving into whim and riding the whirlwind can be fun. But now after all the heartache I’ve found or caused, I’ve finally learned how to love intentionally. I don’t mean forcing love... the most rewarding love can cross our paths when we least expect it. I’m talking about being intentional about who you commit to. And deliberately sustaining that love with conscious choice. 

   

There’s a passage from a Psychology Today article that’s been burned into my memory:

"Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. [But] evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others."

So true. We face difficult choices every day—and decisions of the heart are often clouded by emotion. Why is it that we spend so much time thinking about careers or investments, but then settle with the first person that meets the bare minimum requirements? For me love is less about  serendipity than it is about exploring my own cognitive, emotional, and physical needs. Only when I fully knew myself was I finally able to navigate a crowd and wisely pick the person who is—not perfect—but perfect for me.

And I’m learning that when the dynamic between two people syncs up, it makes sustaining that love easier and worthwhile. It took a pause and a series of continual pauses—a pause to discern the right person from the wrong, and continued pauses to choose the right behaviors over the detrimental. It may require more effort in the interim, but can make all the difference between a life of happiness and a life of misery.

Love is a mystery. It can’t be explained, and I wouldn’t dare try. All I know is there will be a day when my life comes to an end and I want to have loved my partner as passionately as possible. As The Head and the Heart touchingly put it, “Just wanna die with the one I love beside me.” 

Combat the Seattle Freeze with Vulnerability and Love

On the heels of Valentine’s Day, let’s celebrate love by watching this TEDx talk about vulnerability and human connection.  Basically, we gotta take risks and put ourselves out there if we want to get something back.

This principle applies to all aspirations—whether it’s deeper relationships, work success, or other personal goals—we need to overcome the negative voices in our heads and just go after it.

This all makes me think about the "Seattle Freeze." A term coined because Seattleites are supposedly superficially nice, but unwilling to make authentic connections. It impacts making friends and dating and is often blamed on seasonal affective disorder (SAD), the tech industry’s nerdy tendencies, and/or the Northwest’s cultural roots.

I’m not sure if the Seattle Freeze exists....(aren't people like that in any major city?) Those who buy into the Seattle Freeze are making the assumption that people are cold and I wonder about the placebo effect. If we approach people a predetermined mindset, are we signing off on our own destiny?

Being lonely is a natural human condition. When I moved to Seattle, I felt lonely. I spent the time I needed feeling sorry for myself and shed a few tears, but then I put together an action list. I outlined what kind of friends I hoped for, what kind of friend I wanted to be, and put together a plan to bridge my expectations to reality. And sure enough, it paid off.

Here’s how I continue to combat the Seattle Freeze:

1. Breaking the ice goes a long way. The awkwardness only exists in our heads. I'm usually the first to open up the conversation, and people usually reciprocate. And if not, they aren’t worth the time.
2. We have an unconscious bias to surround ourselves with people like us, but that limits opportunities. I talk to everyone, especially those who seem different because those friendships are often the most rewarding.
3. I smile when seeing people I recognize and am honest. Even though I'm forgetful, I always get a positive reaction when I say, “I know you, forgive me, but please remind me what your name is."

Yes, being loved means being vulnerable, but we’re all in the same boat so it's okay. The risks are worth it.